PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
How to deal with the invisible enemy
It is one of these moments when you feel like you're crazy. Like a false perception has invaded your mind and you can't quite estimate what's right. Passive agression is a sugar coated bitter meal, served and prepared especially by someone who doesn't know how to express negative emotions otherwise. At some point passive-aggressors make it difficult for other people to spot their behavior, as they always find excuses and good reasons why they said or did something. Usually they make themselves appear as very well-intentioned and usually it's hard for you to prove that they're being aggressive.
Someone did something you don't like, upsets you, or makes you angry. What do you do? Do you directly say that you're unhappy with the behavior? Do you show it through your facial expression, tone of voice, or you maybe don't speak to the person to let them know you're upset?
However, some people have the tendency to conceal their emotions, or even try to fake the exact opposite from what they're feeling. Someone is getting them angry, they're smiling and then in one or another way they show how they feel through their behavior, but deny (sometimes even in front of themselves) that they do experience negative emotions. The passive aggressor may say jokes on others expense in front of many people, or spread rumors that are untrue about the person they're angry at. He/she may get late frequently, or forget about what he/she has promised to do for the person they perceive to be responsible for their anger.
Why some people express emotions this way all the time? And don't get me wrong. We're all passive-aggressive sometimes- especially when we don't find a functional way to respond to a perceived threat. But it becomes a problem, when it becomes a constant pattern and a way to deal with anger all the time. In fact, this dysfunctional manner to express anger may leave the aggressor alone. People may start avoiding him/her, because at some point the tendency to 'revenge' secretly becomes obvious. Moreover, the passive aggressor likes to manipulate with feelings of guilt, to cause frustration and make others that they perceive to be a threat feel bad about themselves.
When referring to the word aggression sometimes we apply a negative meaning to it. Is this emotion negative? I'd say that aggression is not only normal, but a necessary part of our functioning in situations when we need to protect ourselves. The problem arises, when it becomes a way to communicate all the time. Obviously, when we experience this emotion we need to do something, and not to suppress it. The most important thing to do is to recognize it and admit it. Then, to figure out a constructive way to express it considering the situation we're facing. Aggression becomes problematic, when we haven't learned an acceptable way to communicate it (acceptable means not hurting or offending self or other people).
Conscious and unconscious aggression:
1) As I mentioned, aggression is necessary for our survival. When threat appears, we need to do something to protect ourselves. Imagine that you're walking in the jungle- which is very very likely to happen :))). Suddenly a cute big tiger appears in front of you. Now you're in a dilemma- "fight or flight". Let's say that running away is not an option and you have to fight...I now pictured you in the tiger's tummy :))
2) However, imagine that somebody has a negative self-image. He's introduced to somebody, that he perceives to be more qualified, beautiful, smart etc. than he is. He perceives a threat and he starts being aggressive towards this person, to "save" his scared self. Now imagine that he wants to appear nice, even in front of himself, and he doesn't want to admit his fear. He than tries to do harm in a concealed and nice way:
- he makes a pseudo compliment: "You're so skinny, you look great! You must be starving all the time" or "You gained so much weight. Makes your cheeks look so cute!"
- he may make a joke in front of others on the expense of the person he's trying to hurt
-he may try to degrade and offend, and then deny that he had a bad intentions
-he may not share a valuable information that may help others achieve something
As you can see, in situation
1 the aggressive behavior is not only acceptable, but it is a necessary response, that will determine your actual survival. In situation
2, aggression is a symptom, rather than a survival response. It is a symptom and a sign to sit and ask yourself questions and get rid of- in that case- the poison of aggression. Usually, a passive-aggressive person is someone with low self-worth and lack of capability to relate effectively to other people. This person is frequently lonely and highly insecure, even when they have objective success. He/she doesn't feel enough and he feels safe, secure and ok, only when in the presence of people that he perceives to be his inferiors. Of course this behavior could be removed through working with the person's self-esteem and his/her ability to deal with his/her own negative emotions and communicate them assertively. Remember, when someone treats you this way, they're not to be blamed, but to be helped.
Ways to deal with passive aggression:
-Increase feelings of self-worth
-Increase consciousness
-discover and accept your own values
-learn to accept and appreciate others and self
-learn assertive ways to express negative emotions
-learn to identify and accept own negative emotions
-talk to a counselor
-attend group therapy
Ways to deal with passive-aggressive people:
-do not enter the game of aggression and definitely- do not try to mimic this behavior. Trying to do that puts you in the exact position where the passive-aggressor wants you to be- on their playground- where they certainly possess more experience then you do.
-Ask direct questions- "Hey, Alan why are you saying this to me?" "Why did you do this to me, Jessica?" Of course use a nice and genuine tone expressing that you really want to know the answer
and if you get a response that may sound like "I didn't mean to hurt you! Wow, you're so sensitive!" (remember that most passive-aggressive people don't want to admit even in front of themselves that they're acting this way, because this hurts and destroys their self-image even more). Validate the person's statement (do not get into confrontation) and you may say something like: "I might be, but I'd like to ask you not to do this anymore, because it doesn't make me feel good. Can you do this for me?"If the person continues with the behavior, clearly he/she needs some help- and that's how you need to treat this person- being caring as much as you can, just as you would be towards someone in need.
- If you have tried continuously to express your feelings and you've asked genuinely the person what is the problem and how to solve it- and it doesn't work, you're probably dealing with someone with deep issues. If they're being aggressive, they're aiming for an exact reaction. When they get it- they're being reinforced. So, don't reinforce them. For instance, someone makes you a pseudo compliment-
"Wow, this bald hair makes you look so masculine!"- Reply, like you just received a real compliment and say "Oh thank you so much, Caren! That's so kind!" Be genuinely happy, because most probably the person is really giving you a compliment as passive-aggressors are usually attacking people that they perceive to be superior to themselves.
I hope that you're having a nice week!! Peace and LOVE!!!
XOXO
